Tag: Texas

Railroad Spiel as Given
SFOT – 1974
(written in dialect)

Great Southwest Texas Depot
(Leaving for Good Times Square)

We-e-e-ll, howdy there folks. This here is yore corn-ductor speakin’ at cha’ll frum th’ very tail end of this here brand spankin’, spiffy new, luxurious, stre-e-e-m lined, an’ air corn-ditioned 1897 (for General Sam Houston,)/ 1901 (for Maribeau B. Lamar) narry-gauge railroad train.

Yessiree, you folks is in fer th’ time of yore life. But just so as it won’t be th’ last time, there are a few important company policies you to be abidin’ by. First off, don’t you go to a standin’ up, jumpin’ up and down, playin’ tag, flyin’ kites out the winders, runnin’ up an’ down th’ runnin’ boards, er a playing musical chairs. Second of all, I don’t want to see none of y’all throwin’ off you paper cups, ice cream sticks, brothers, sisters, or mother-in-laws, causin’ ifin’ you don’t want them, well neither do we. And I don’t want to see no smoking of any sort aboard this here train, cause the engine up front will be doing enough for the all of us, I ga-a-a-ranteee.

Now in just a second that corn-ducter down there on the platform is goin’ to be givin’ the signal an’ we’re going be pullin’ outa here. Y’all see that there corn-ductor? Well, she’s mighty fine at givin’ that there signal. Yessireee, she went to school for three week learnin’ ta signal thata way. Ain’t that somethin’? Well, don’t you be too impressed, ’cause it was only a two day course.

Well there was the signal, and here we go, [engine usually makes one big pull before] and there we went [and then comes to a near stop.] [While the train is barely moving]. Why if you don’t believe that were a really movin’, just look behind us. See?, we are a leavin’ tracks.

[Train leaves the station heading south, towards the flume.]

As well pull out of the station, I want you to look to your immediate left. There you will see the Six Flags Watermelon patch. If you ever go a get a whole in your watermelon, that’s were you can take it to get a patch.

Also off to yore left is the original, genuine, first in the country, Six Flags Over Texas Log Flume Ride. Yessiree, those folks have the time of their life floating around in that there giant horse trough. An’ if you think that Horse trough is big, wait’ll you see the size of the horse that a drinks out of it.

[Flume ride to the left in the trees.]

Yessireee, I hear that is one might fine ride, ‘cept at the end. They tell me it’s a real let down.

Off to yore left is a long green building. That’s our En-jun house. That is where we put our engines to bed at night. But don’t ch’all corn-fuse the Engine House with a teepee or a wigwam, ya hear?

Next stop is Me-e-e-x-i-i-can Junction! Here’s where ya’ll can join in the singin’ and the dancin’ an’ th’ wild Bull-fightin’. If ya’ll cast yore peppers up there to yer left an way up in th’ sky ya’ll see a real live volcano. An’ I bet if we was ta stay here long enough we’d get ta see a mighty molten mass move down th’ mountain hotter than the sun!

The weather forecast for this here junction is “chilly today’ and “hot tomalle”.

[On the right and left are dancing tamales, and Mexican men riding very small horses. All left over animations from the Mexican hat train.]

These here are our Dogwood trees. Do ya know why we calls ’em Dogwoods? ’cause of their bark.

All you ladies best look off to th’ right, ’cause on yore left my friend Zeke is goin’ be out takin’ his monthly showery bath. I’m shore he’d be a might embarrassed if you was to watch ‘im. Well for shame for shame own you, lady!

[Hillbilly in a shower barrel taking his shower.]

Every year we get hundreds of thousan’s of letters complimenting us on our beautiful landscaping. You may be a wondering whats we call these beautiful plants a growing to your left and your right. We calls ’em weeds.

An’ now look up there ta your right. To the sky, to your right, Do ya see it? Do ya see it? Of course ya don’t see it. There’s nuthin’ up there to see.

[Nothing to see in the sky.]

Cover up ya noses now, ’cause shoe-oe-oe-oe-weeeee we’re coming to a tunnel. Don’t that smell sweet as fried bacon on a Sunday mornin” at th’ farm. That smell so sweet, we wus thinkin’ of bottlin’ it up an’ selling’ it as a fancy perfume. We wus gonna call it “Tun-nel” number five.

Now everyone, look to your left and to your right, you see that there thing swerving around that track, that’s there is the big bend roller coaster.

Yes sireee, those there trains go around that there a swevin’ a curvin’ track faster than Ewell Gibbons chasin’ after a wild hickory nut!

(If the B.B. is broken down: Do ya see them trains runnin’ up and down the’ swervin” an’ curvin’ track? Do ya see ’em? Of course ya don’t, ’cause them trains move so fast they can’t be seen!)

[Big Bend cue house to the left of the train. Track to the left and around the train. Ewell Gibbons was a popular health food/nature sponsor of the time.]

Now looky off to yore left, seem them things sputterin’ around th’ road bed? Thems called automobiles. But don’t you go and learn that fuelish word, cause those thangs won’t never replace the horse an’ buggy. Why, there built so fast and so low to th’ ground, you’d burn th’ seat of your britches off if ya ever did tried to stop one.

[Happy Motoring off to the left.]

Off to the right is a Great Big Ol’ Yella Buildin’. Do ya know what we call that there Great big ol’ yella Buildin’. That’s right – we calls it the Great Big Ol’ Yella Buildin’! Actually, that there’s the Sid an’ Marty Krofft Puppet Show. And we have a real fine show there, no strings attached.

[Puppet show off to the right.]

In just a minute we’ll pull into the Good Time Square Station an’ all of ya’ll’ that wants to get off kin get off when we get ta a complete stop an’ after I tell you to. You folks that wanta stay on are more than welcome to do that to.

Like I said, now, wait a minute, just a second! Hold it now… just a cotton pickin’, finger licken’, ever lovin’ ever lastin’. I say “1”, (“pause”) I say “2” … I say “2”, I say “2”. Well I done said to three times now, so Get Off.

Good Times Square Station

Howdy folks. (pause) I sed “Howdy” (pause) Howdy! (pause) I gives ya’ll a great big Texas Howdy and all I get back is a little ole Rhode Island “hi”. I sed “Howdy”. Well, ain’t ya’ll a trainful of Minnie Pearlz.

Th’ Six Flags Over Texas Narry Gage Railroad Company is proud ta announce th’ imminite departure of th’ General Sam Houston/Mirabeau B. Lamar on track #1, which is th’ only track we got, non-stop for the Great Southwest Texas Depot.

Soasta we kin get from here ta yonder just like we got frum yonder ta here, I’m gonna give y’all a few important compuny policies. First off, don’t ya be standin’ up, er jumpin’ up an’ down, er be actin’ wild, wolley, weird, wicker er way-out. An’ don’t nobody be smokin’ nuthin’, ’cause the engine up front just might get excited, an’ just might get ignited. Don’t ya be a throwin off your ice ream sticks, an’ paper cups. An’ last of all, don’t ya be danglin’ yer arms and legs off the train, “cause if ya stick out off fer a little too long, you may bring ’em back in a little too short.

Of course, th’ most important rule is that nobody is ta be turnin’ around an looking at yer handsome, good-lookin’, swave, debonair, personable, modest, intelligent, resourceful, charmin’ cornuductor at th’ very tail end of this train. (pause) What’s th’ matter Lady, ain’t you never seen a corn-ductor before?

Well, now just as soon as that there corn-ductor down on th’ platform gives th’ engineers th’ signal, we’ll be pullin’ outa here.

(Signal) Well there’s th’ signal. Here we go, an’ there we went. Did you feel that blinding burst of speed? Yessireee, why, we’re a moving faster than a whole heard of man-eating mud turtles, a slipping and a sliding down to the creek on a salty Saturday in September.

As we leave, I want you to be sure and waive good-bye to that there conductor on the platform, cause if you don’t waive goodbye, he won’t a know that were a leavin’.

Lookee of there ta your left an’ y’all see th’ Six Flags over Texas Carousel Ride. That’s a fancy name for a merry-go-round. There’s one identical to this one at th’ Smithsonian Institute.

[Passing the Merry-go-Round on the left.]

That there track yore a seeing now is th’ Six Flags Mini-mine train. We built it ‘specially fer all ya little folks an’ all you big chicken’s whats to scare to be a ridin’ on th’ Six Flags Over Texas Runaway Mine Train. It’s guaranteed ta jar, jive, jump an’ jolt you socks off with its mighty trestle, mighty track, and might mine trains.

To your right is th’ Ghost Town Saloon. Y’all can see my friends are still playing’ the poker game they started last Thursday. You may be a thinkin’ that they is on a crash diet. That’s not it at all, its just that the bartender has been forgettin’ ta put the olives in there drinks.

Iffin’ everyone will lookee ta yer left, y’all see th’ Caddo Indians in their canoes. Little is it known that them canoes are faster than th’ U.S. Mail. That’s cause not only do they have an injun in th’ front, they had an injun in the rear. By th’ way I’ll bet cha’ll don’t know why th’ Indians were th’ first folks on th’ American Continent? It’s cause they had reservations!

Iffin y’all will cast yer peepers to yore right, you’ll see th’ scariest ride at Six Flags Over Texas. We call it th’ Dallas-Fort Worth Turnpike. (Now we call it I-30).

Now if you’ll look there ta yer left, you’ll see a cement pond where we corral our dolphins. Yessirree, we was gonna have George C. Scott teach us a dolphin how to talk, but Larry Zonka couldn’t make it.

[At the time, George C. Scott had released a movie about teaching a dolphin to talk and Larry Zonka played for the Miami Dolphins.]

That great big ol’ orange thang next to th’ dolphin pool is th’ worlds tallest land-based oil derrick. Yessireee, we got elevators there that’ll take ya 300 feet into the sky, an’ bring ya back down 320. Course, if ya don’t want to go all the way to th’ top, ya kin walk up them steps an’ slide down on one of th’ longest slides in this part of th’ country.

Inside that funny locking building there to yer left is where ya kin see the Chevy Show. The Chevy Show is a real fine show. You had better see it before you leave the park tonight, ’cause it’s awfully hard ta see it after ya leave.

Off to your right is our Music Meal Theater.

To your left is the horseless carriages produced by the Chaparral Motor Car Company of Cleburne, Texas. In 1911 them thangs was selling better than buttered biscuits at th’ State Fair, but Henry Ford came along and put ’em out of business, cause Ford had “a better idea”.

In just another minute were gonna pull into th’ Great Southwest Texas Depot an’ when we do you folks that want ta get off can get off, and you people that want to stay on can stay on. But ya can’t do both, an’ ya can’t do neither either, so you best make up your mind.

It’ll be just another second, just another minute, hold it, wait, wait till I give you the word. Hey there Mister, will you pleas pull your big, fat, hairy leg back into th’ train? Oh! Sorry about that Lady!

Now hold it, wait… Let me give you th’ word, hold it, wait…. Word. I sed, “WORD”. “WORD” Well, I done said the word three times, what are you a waitin’ fer? Get off. This here train don’t go no slower.